DNA: Doing Nothing Appropriate
by Three-Legged Rocking Horse
Summary: Lavi is trying to convince Kanda that DNA can also determines one's actions and reactions and that it's not always just Fate playing the cards. Potential LK.
1. Striking Gold

**DNA: Doing Nothing Appropriate**

**Author's Note:** After about a couple months of not writing anything, I've finally thought of an idea, thanks to fact that I had to do a Geometry test. Whoop-dee-doo.

I'm not too sure if this will be a LK, but I'm planning this to be my first multi-chapter fanfic.

Anyway. The title was inspired from when my friends were trying to spell "deoxyribonucleic acid" correctly with the least amount of tries. Then I butted in and spelt it correctly in one go.

Pwned.

**Disclaimer: OMGNOWAI.**

* * *

**Chapter One: Striking Gold**

"Yuu!"

A rather passively frustrated Kanda turned around to see a happy Lavi, bouncing about like the rabbit he was. "Here, check this book out!" The book then came swiftly flying towards Kanda's face, which he caught calmly.

"'DNA: How Genetics Work'?" The Mugen-weilder raised an eyebrow at the book title. "What kind of book is this?"

"It stands for Doing Nothing Appropriate," Baby-Bookman said, grinning all the while. "It doesn't _sound_ like it, I know. But still." The disbelieving look told Sir Red-Headed Bunny that Master Annoy-Me-And-I-Will-Kill-You did not exactly believe what he said.

"Okay, fine, it stands for 'deoxyribonucleic acid'. Happy?"

"Once you're gone, yes."

"You're so mean, Yuu!" A swift slice about two millimetres away from Lavi's nose shut him up.

"Go read a fairy tale or something. I'm busy." With disturbing calm, Kanda tucked away his precious pointy Mugen and stalked off in his usual moody way.

"No goodbye kiss? No farewell hug? No nothing?" Lavi yelled as loudly as he dared (which was rather loud) and feigned a pout before crossing his arms and stalking off.

* * *

"Mission, Kanda. With Lavi." Master Annoy-Me-And-I-Will-Kill-You gritted his teeth, his left eye twitching ever so slightly.

"Why with the Bunny?" Kanda demanded, obviously displeased about who he had to work with.

"Is that a pet name?" Komui asked, a sinister glint in his glasses before a very pointy Mugen was being pointed at his throat. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you. Allen and Linali have gone on a mission in Denmark to investigate something. You, on the other hand, are going to Germany to analyse something else." Kanda sighed.

"It is I, Lavi, the Oh-So Sexy!" Lavi the Oh-So-Sexy announced as he noisily slammed open the door to Komui's very messy office, putting up a very stupid hero pose. "So, what's the mission about?"

"Germany," the Supervisor replied almost immediately, pushing up his glasses before reading what seemed to be the correct document from all the others on his desk. "There have been cases of things turning into gold at the Oder River; anything from glass to stone to even living beings." Komui then handed copies of the original files to Baby-Bookman and Grumpy-Mugen-owner.

"Read them carefully and make sure you don't eat them if you run out of food!" Lavi gave a nod of confirmation for both warnings, usual happy grin planted on. Kanda, however...

"Multiple traces of Innocence?" He looked his usual agitated self, but he also appeared to be puzzled.

"Yes," Komui replied. "Apparently there's a drought around the region of where the Oder River is, so there should be little to no water trickling. However, it's still full, so we suspect that it could be a sign of multiple traces of Innocence."

"The report doesn't say anything about Akuma appearances," Lavi noted aloud. The Supervisor nodded.

"Akuma aren't able to retrieve this Innocence because of its power," he explained. "The Innocence causes the bodies of Akuma to melt, so in a way, it is defending itself." Kanda looked only very slightly enlightened, but Lavi's expression was not much different to a kid getting the toy they wanted. "The strange thing, however, is that presence of Innocence temporarily nullifies the power of that type of Innocence and Dark Matter temporarily strengthens it."

"When do we leave?" Kanda asked. "I'd much rather get this over and done with."

"You leave in two days; trains have been delayed for some reason." An angry Master Annoy-Me-And-I-Will-Kill-You was muttering something vaguely along the lines of, 'I can't wait two days', but Lavi the Oh-So-Sexy seemed more than happy to have time to make sure that he didn't forget to pack his extra bright orange scarf and spare bandanna and emergency eye patch. You could never be too paranoid about your prized possessions.

"Be careful about your mission. Akuma may appear as soon as you get to Oder River to retrieve the Innocence there. Allen and Linali should also be back by tomorrow, so you can get Allen to help you retrieve the Innocence."

"So?"

"Because he is a Parasitic-type, he can simply activate his anti-Akuma weapon and grab the Crystals like that or he can just swim and get it."

"How do you even know all this information?" Kanda asked. How Komui knew so much annoyed him so. He didn't like it.

"A lost Finder somehow boarded the train to Germany instead of France and followed the Oder River. Since it was rather warm there, he decided to have a swim. Thank God he was paranoid of drowning and checked the depth of the water; otherwise he would've turned to gold." Komui had the very familiar expression of relief on his face, which made Kanda a little ticked. Just a little.

"Let's get ready." He stood up and left Komui's office, Sir Red-Headed Bunny waving goodbye before also leaving to follow Kanda.

"Wait for meee, Yuu!"

"Get away from me!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Not very long, in my opinion. But I guess I'll have to shoot down those plot bunnies. Or something.

Reviews are loved, but constructive criticism will be fantastic. Flames, however, on your marshmallows. It's more convenient and tasty anyway.

**Sudden Random Thought Thingy:** I seriously have to clear up my profile. It's so bulked up with text and letters and unnecessary information and... ew.


	2. Poking Battle

**DNA: Doing Nothing Appropriate**

**Author's Note: **I just got into Ouran High School Host Club the other day and I am officially and completely squee over the Hitachiin twins. LYKOMGWEE. (And Mori. Don't forget Mori.)

By the way, if you think this chapter is bad, it's because… it is. Eh heh… I needed to get this chapter out of the way so I could put in what happens at the Golden River.

**Disclaimer: Pfft, yeah. And I'm an orange.**

* * *

**Chapter Two: Poking Battle**

Kanda, after much growling, Finder-scaring, Allen-angrying and Lavi-attempt-to-kill-painfullying, sat down at the private train compartment with a long sigh. Glad that there wasn't _too_ much hassle convincing the conductor to let Allen, Lavi and himself onto the train (mostly by pointing Mugen at the unlucky man), he proceeded to reread the report about the Oder River. The report had a sentence similar to this: "Water from the Oder River that touches any object upon contact will turn that object into gold". Normally the Mugen-owner would be able to understand perfectly, but the most Kanda was able to get through his head was, "Blah blah blah River blah blah blah object blah blah blah contact blah blah blah gold". Why?

It was only five in the afternoon.

Allen was snoring away, and Kanda wouldn't be able to sleep well.

Lavi was still awake, for god's sake!

And in fact, Lavi was fogging up the window and drawing stick figures in the condensation on the window. There wasn't anything wrong with drawing stick figures on a window, Kanda had to admit. But there _was_ something wrong with drawing stick figures on a window if it included noise.

And there was a lot of noise indeed.

Baby-Bookman was making a disgusting squeaking noise with his finger every time he drew, causing Kanda to bristle up slightly.

"Stop that."

"No."

"Stop it, Lavi."

"And why should I?"

"Because I will skewer you with Mugen if you don't."

Lavi, being used to these threats, was not discouraged, instead adopting a pose strikingly similar to a ninja preparing to strike. He then, instead of holding out his hands straight, put them into a poking position, like he was getting ready to have a Poke-Won-Do match.

"I challenge Yuu to a poking battle!"

"No."

Lavi, deciding to ignore Kanda's response, gave him a sharp poke in the eye.

"Agh! That hurt, you bastard!"

"Next time accept my challenge!"

"Well, if you want me to accept your challenge, I certainly have now!"

Lavi, being cheeky, poked Kanda in the eye again, getting a growl from the raven-haired exorcist and proceeding to flee from the compartment. This caused probably the wildest Kanda-chasing-Lavi-and-wanting-to-kill-him chase ever.

After about half an hour later, a bruised Lavi and a less cranky Kanda returned to their compartment, Allen just waking up.

"What was that noise?" Snow-head asked, still being a little drowsy from his sleep.

"Oh, you mean the sound of people getting angry and the anguished cries of a certain red-headed male?"

"Yeah."

"That was just Kanda trying to murder me." Lavi shrugged, as if having his life on the line was just a trivial event (which it is, seeing as they're all exorcists). "No biggie."

The train started to noticeably slow down, making all three look out the window.

"There's the seaport." Kanda stood up, swinging the belt which had Mugen over his shoulder and around his hip. Lavi bounced out while Allen half-sleepwalked half-staggered out of the compartment.

"What room are we in?" Kanda asked Lavi, as Allen looked tired enough to be taken as drunk.

"B25. I'm taking the top bunk bed."

"Why do you always have to be this immature over a bed?"

"Because."

"Wait…bed?" Kanda looked suspicious. "How long is this trip going to take?"

"Err, let's see…" Lavi proceeded to mentally add some random numbers in his head and put up a show of counting on his fingers. "About eight hours."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

* * *

**Author's Note: **And that's the filler chapter done. Next up will be the investigations about the Oder River. Aren't you guys excited?

Comments, constructive criticism, encouragement love. Flames on your (or my) homework.


	3. Death Wish

**DNA: Doing Nothing Appropriate**

**Author's Note: **To tell you the truth, I actually thought this work of words wasn't going to work well. However, it seems that a few people like this story, so on it goes!

**Disclaimer: Santa wouldn't give it to me for Christmas.**

**Chapter Three: Death Wish**

Lavi was never going to exaggerate the time it took for a boat to cross the English Channel ever again. Sure, the trip only took three hours instead of eight, but it just made Kanda angrier. Allen, now wide awake from the perpetual spray of seawater getting into his eyes, didn't seem to be in the brightest of moods either.

Thus, by the time they got off the boat at Paris, it was already nine in the evening. Ignoring the heavy dispute between Kanda and Allen deciding whether to stop for the night at a hotel or carry on and sleep on the train, Lavi simply bought some bread, cheese, pastries and a lot of apples for all three of them to eat. By the time he had finished his grocery shopping, Kanda had won the argument, resulting in Lavi being pulled to the train by ear.

Grumbling, Allen sat in one of the compartments as far from Kanda as possible while still being able to see out the window. Kanda, being just as grumpy, laid a protective hand on Mugen's hilt. Lavi, being too tired to be grumpy, tossed Allen and Kanda some of the food he bought in hopes of lightening up the mood in the compartment. Although the tension inside had not completely vaporised, the trio had managed to get to better terms with each other. One by one, they fell asleep to the lethargic rumbles of the train.

"Do you have a death wish or something, moyashi?!"

"No, but I can help you with getting that bloody stick out of your arse!"

"Allen, that's totally gross!"

"Shut up, you stupid rabbit!"

"C'mon, we're scaring the absolute shit outta the citizens!"

"So what?!"

"We have to find the Innocence crystals!"

Kanda and Allen were arguing again with such intensity that neither of them could remember what they were arguing about in the first place. Lavi, being slightly confused with the whole situation, tried to stop them from getting violent, but to no avail. The trio had finally managed to get to a town near the magical river, although Kanda and Allen were definitely not thinking about retrieving the Innocence crystals any time soon.

"You stupid moyashi! If you were an Akuma I would've skewered you right in the eye!"

"But I'm _not_ an Akuma, so you _can't_ skewer me in the eye with your beloved Mugen!"

"Shut UP!!" Lavi abruptly yelled into both their ears.

And shut up they did.

"We're on a mission, here! If we don't get that Innocence in time—"

"Master Allen, Master Kanda, Master Lavi!"

A Finder rushed up to the three, successfully catching the attention of all three Exorcists.

"This way, please." Kanda and Allen were still glaring at each other, but Lavi tried to make conversation with the Finder.

"How long until we get to the river?"

"Half an hour by foot if we're not interrupted."

"If this river didn't turn things into gold I'd practically live in the water," Lavi exclaimed.

"That's stupid, you bunny," Kanda snapped.

"Not as stupid as your face."

"Guys!" Allen said. "Innocence retrieving time!" The Finder looked over the mission specs, 

scratching at his hood in slight puzzlement.

"Says here that the effect is nullified when Innocence is in contact." He closed the file with a single hand. "That means one of you guys has to activate your own Innocence." An uncomfortable silence settled between the three Exorcists, all of them glaring at each other with knowing.

"Scissors!" Allen yelled.

"Paper!" Lavi exclaimed.

"Rock!" Kanda shouted. All three threw their hands down with their corresponding symbol; Allen with Paper and Lavi and Kanda with Scissors. Lavi cackled with childish glee while Kanda gave Mister Moyashi a very smug smirk. Allen, however, was definitely not pleased.

"No fair, you guys!" he pouted.

"Too bad, moyashi." As usual, Kanda offered no pity.

"No hard feelings, eh?" Lavi said as he slung an arm around Allen's shoulders. "It'll only be a dip, and besides, it looks pretty shallow anyway."

"Uh, not really." The Finder, currently being the only sensible person out of the four, was dragging out a long thin branch with difficulty, its leaves stripped off and thrown away to the side. The branch was rather long, about fifteen feet long and almost every single inch had been transformed into gold.

"Okay, so it'll be a bit more than a dip," Baby-Bookman corrected himself after a quick glance at the shiny gold branch. "Besides, the Innocence won't work on you because you've got Innocence in you!"

"I'm quite sure you can swim, moyashi," Kanda added before pushing Allen mercilessly into the river. The poor boy didn't even have time to yelp before he fell into the water. After several seconds, however, he did not surface.

"Yuu-chan?"

"What?"

"I think you killed him."

"Bullshit."

Still, after several more seconds, Allen did not reappear. The Finder, deciding that it was best to break the news to them, cleared his throat.

"It says in the document that to nullify the water's effect Innocence had to be activated."

"So?" Kanda spat.

"Oh shit," Lavi breathed to himself.

"Master Allen's Innocence was not activated when you pushed him in," The Finder explained. Kanda, despite hating the little moyashi to the point of slight obsession, said two words.

"Oh shit."

**Author's Note: **Oh noes! What happened to Mister Moyashi? Stay tuned! Or not. Whatever.

No, there won't be any main character death. And Allen's a main character. Which means he won't die.

Or will he?

Any comments, constructive criticism or advice is greatly loved. Flames on your fireworks. (It's prettier.)


	4. Dirty Words

**DNA: Doing Nothing Appropriate**

**Author's Note:** Tomg, I can't believe that I've nearly completely forgotten about this lovely fanfiction of mine. How I remembered it? Via a pair of misplaced socks.

I know. Scary.

I also just got the Mabinogi OST downloaded onto my iPod. They've got some really nice pieces for piano, which I'm vainly trying to learn by ear.

**Disclaimer:** **Apparently Mum didn't give it to me for my birthday.**

* * *

**Chapter Four: Dirty Words**

"Stop it.."

"I know you like it, Yuu-chan."

"You know that I absolutely hate it."

"Aww, Yuu-chan in denial."

Contrary to popular belief, Kanda was not being molested by a somewhat hyperactive Lavi ; instead, Mister Grumpy was having his long ponytail braided. With an irritated flick of his head, the dark river of hair straightened itself out and flew out of Lavi's hands and into his single visible eye.

"That hurt!"

"That was the point, you retarded rabbit."

The Finder, obviously disinterested about Lavi and Kanda's (rather obscure) relationship, forced himself to try and see if Allen was in any mood (or even remotely capable) of resurfacing. After four seconds, the white-cloaked accompanier of the three Exorcists convinced himself that Allen was incapable of swimming and drowned.

"Stop it!"

"Boo! Yuu-chan's boring!"

"I'll slice you up and skewer you like a dango snack!"

"You're making me hungry."

"_You're_ making _me_ suddenly want to kill everything in sight."

The Finder gulped. He had travelled with Kanda a couple of times before, and it didn't take a genius to prove that his threats weren't always empty. Keeping one eye on the river and the other on the arguing 

pair, he concentrated on seeing if there was a snowy head bobbing in the distance, or a golden appendage floating by.

"That's it! I'm going to tie you up and throw you over a cliff!"

"Kinky."

The Finder, now obviously tired of Lavi's verbal antics and Kanda's slightly more provocative responses, threw a twig at the water, hoping that the Innocence's power would somehow make his mood miraculously lighter. With an irritated sigh, he waited for the unlucky stick to turn gold.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

By the time he realised what had happened (or had not happened) to the stick, he alerted the arguing two.

"Master Lavi! Master Kanda! You might want to see this!" Hearing their names, the not-very-dynamic duo rushed to the Finder's side, looking at the twig their accompanier was pointing at with a slightly dumbfounded expression.

"It's a floating twig," Kanda said, deciding to state the obvious.

"What colour is it?" the Finder asked, silently praying that one of them would realise what was going on.

"Brown," stated Lavi, as if a floating piece of brown wood was perfectly normal in a river which turned everything into gold.

"What does the river do?"

"Turn stuff into gold," Kanda gritted, already sick of the Finder's questions. "What's so fascinating about that?"

"Maybe we need a more forward approach to what I'm saying," the Finder replied, grabbing a much bigger stick and dipping it into the water. After roughly ten seconds, he took out the stick, which was still as brown and as stick-like, only dripping with water.

"The stick hasn't turned into gold!" Lavi exclaimed, an abnormally large goofy smile on his face. Kanda, looking more bored than fascinated, went back to insulting the red-head.

"Let's go."

"What about Allen?"

"What about me?" a dripping wet, rather cold-looking Allen stared back at them from behind, Timcanpy flying around his head.

"Ah, you're okay!" Lavi shouted in joy as he ran and gave him a big bear hug. "What took you so long?"

"Tim didn't want to take back the Innocence, but he managed."

"Why?"

"Well, you try stuffing two blocks of raw Innocence into your mouth."

"Point taken."

"Now let's just go home already!!"

* * *

The train ride back to the dock was bad enough, Kanda had to admit. Lavi was being rather immature when he realised that the marker ink kept wiping off from Allen's wet face and had to resort to getting out of the compartment and flirting with some of the passengers. The Mugen-owner was happy to have some peace and quiet for himself, but would have much preferred it if Moyashi wasn't in the compartment.

"I'm back!" Lavi announced, opening the compartment door with an unceremonious slam. Surprisingly, Allen did not wake. "You didn't molest Allen while I was away, were ya?!" He then slammed the compartment door shut; once again Allen didn't stir.

"I'd sooner eat my boots than touch that moyashi."

"That's not nice."

"Since when was I nice?"

Timcanpy, unnoticed by the two males, was tugging on Allen's hair to wake him up; they were nearing the port.

"Since we were bestest best buddies!" Lavi then gave Kanda a huge hug, which Kanda not-too-kindly rejected (in other words, half-pushed half-punched Lavi off of him).

"If you keep annoying me I'll boil you in a huge pot with vegetables and seasoning and make enough rabbit soup to feed the whole Order for a week."

Timcanpy was successful; Allen was starting to wake up and the train was slowing down.

"Aww, that's not nice! Even my scrotum thinks so."

Allen was now fully awake when he heard the word "scrotum". Kanda looked rather disturbed indeed. Even Timcanpy seemed to stop flapping its wings about to compensate for not having eyes to stare at 

Lavi in an umimpressed manner. Bookman Jr, taking advantage of the opportunity, decided to embarrass Kanda further.

"Kanda, how could you say such dirty words!" he gushed, acting in a motherly way. "I know you must be a little _excited_ about coming back to HQ, but I think your plans with what to do with Moyashi's _other_ is just –"

Lavi could not finish his rant; lots of things happened at once. The train had finally come to a stop; Allen's outburst of "I'm not a moyashi!" had collided with Kanda's usual shout of threats and profanities; the Finder had opened their compartment door to tell them that they had arrived at the port, and Timcanpy was fluttering about in a confused daze. Meanwhile, Lavi was laughing his head off, grabbing his small suitcase and Innocence weapon whilst nearly running over the poor Finder and fleeing from a very angry and disturbed Kanda.

* * *

The trio and Finder had finally made their way onto the boat, where they each had to share rooms; Allen with the Finder and Lavi with Kanda. The second pair's night's conversation went along like this.

"Testicles."

"Shut up, Lavi."

"Anus."

"Shut _up._"

"Penis."

"I mean it."

"Kanda, I have one question."

"_What?_"

"Do you suffer from Feminisation Testicular Syndrome?"

"If you don't shut up right this minute I'm going to throw you overboard."

"But first can I have a goodnight kiss?"

Moments later, a Lavi in pyjamas was fleeing from a Mugen-wielding Kanda down the corridors of the boat.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Ugh. Took me so long to figure out a way for the relationship to develop, get Allen back and in tip-top shape, make the characters get the Innocence, get the characters back into HQ and still put some humour into it.

Btw, if I seem to spell some of my words weirdly, that's because I'm Aussie slash Asian.

Comments, constructive criticism and opinions for future chapters are muchly loved. Flames are to go to your little brother or sister's hair (unless you don't have younger siblings or you totally love them, in which case they just go to your enemy's hair).


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